When last we left, Phineas Matova, Man About Town had found himself the unwitting escort of his dowager Aunt Juniper on a long and dreary trip through the Mediterranean. Of course, I was able to spend time at the Grecian seaside and enjoy the fruits of several Italian vineyards, but it was still all rather...dismal.

I spent most of my evenings, not down at the local drinking establishments, as I would have wished, but in the audience, dozing off during my Aunt's inumberable seances and table tippings. (My Aunt is a spiritualist medium)

I must say this trip has left me rather well rested, if anything. If I was not being put to sleep by knocks from the beyond, I was falling into my soup during long, tedious suppers with her and her gaggle of hens from the local spiritualist groups. If I never have to hear of spirits and ectoplasm again, it shall be too soon

Help!!

To whomever out there who may be reading this...please help...I have been kidnapped by my Aunt Juniper and forced to escort on her on her travels...*sniff*

Let me backtrack slightly, you may recall that my aunt had arrived for a visit lo these many moons ago...I made a feeble attempt at escape...whilst Violet was greeting the old battleaxe and had requested I sally forth to fetch a cab, I made a dash for freedom.

I spent an afternoon and evening hiding in one of the local pubs, then a remaining night hiding in a shrubbery, until I was rousted by a very angry gentleman and his even more angry wife. Well, I certainly know when I'm not welcome. The sun was gently creeping into the sky, the cocks were crowing...and I was growing peckish and by the scent of things....badly needed a scrub.

I sighed and looked around me. The nearest hotel was miles away and I was growing rather low on funds. My cousin's home was only a few minutes walk away and perhaps no one would be awake at this ungodly hour. I tiptoed in as quietly as I could..no one was about. Exhaling softly, I began to set about making tea...when I began to feel that I was not alone. As if two beady eyes were boring into my very soul.

I swallowed. "Hello?"

"Harumph. Running off and leaving an old woman at the train station. Ass."

I fear I would be remiss in not saying that I broke out in an icy sweat. As she circled me like a wolf circling something it wanted to eat for dinner...she fixed me with her eagle like stare...and wrinkled her nose.

"You smell like a distillery..pfft..." I shivered as she placed a shriveled, bony claw on my arm.

"What? no kisses for your auntie??!" she cackled huskily...sending even more shivers down my spine and making me feel quite faint. I staggered over to a nearby chair and sat weakly in it. Aunt Juniper shuffled over to the stove and began banging about..."hmmpf...you need lots of strong coffee...you look like you've been dragged behind a carriage..." this seemed to cause her some sort of fit that I deduced was laughter.

To be continued...

I blinked furiously as the sun seemed to be searing into my retinas and hurriedly shuffled off after Violet as she began heading towards the train station, feeling as if I were marching off to meet, well perhaps not the firing squad but perhaps to an appointment with a large burly man wielding a cat o'nine tails. Although it is not my cup of tea, there would be some folk who would pay for that sort of appointment, as I, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, have discovered in my wanderings....I digress.

A chill wind seemed to blow from the northeast as I staggered after my cousin, clutching my coat around me and shivering. Thinking that I could perhaps stall our progress to the train station, I racked my brain for a quick diversion that would seem believable. The only thing that I could come up with on the spot was feigning a fainting spell.

"V-Violet..I don't feel so well" I took a few halting steps backwards ( I am a trained mime) and clutching at my forehead, fell to my knees (being careful also to not muss my trousers or hair)
and let out a heartwrenching (I thought at least) moan.

My cousin turned and looked at me, with the sort of look one would reserve for say an unpleasant bug, rather than a cousin in grave distress. She sighed a bit and said

"Phineas, quit arsing about. You're making us late for Auntie Junipers train and believe me, I do not want to hear her complain for the next fortnight about how we abandoned an old woman"

"Alright, fine. But I might have been fainting!"

"Come along Phineas!"

I stood up, carefully brushing my trousers off and trudged off after her.

to be continued

A very trying morning...

So, this morning as I was getting my beauty rest, I was awakened, rather roughly I might say, by my cousin Violet. I blinked and shivered as the wet rivulets of Arctic water trickled off my nose like a tiny waterfall and sputtered "Was that absolutely necessary?".

Violet rolled her eyes heavenward and uttered in a voice tinged with impending hysteria; "Yes, Phineas, it was. Please get dressed. We need to go fetch Auntie Juniper from the train station."

A chill ran down my spine that made the water pooling in my bed seem blessedly tropical by comparison. Violet gazed off into space fixedly for a moment, so fixedly in fact, that I had begun to believe that she was having a fit and whilst attempting to force open her jaws in an attempt to keep her from swallowing her tongue, she appeared to become increasingly agitated

"That's alright, Violet, just let it pass.." I said in my most soothing voice as she jerked away from me and said "What the devil?" Normally, I would have received a swift kick in the shins for my trouble, but she merely shook her head mournfully, uttering "just get dressed..her train is arriving this afternoon and she's expecting us to be waiting for her" and leaving me to attend to my toilette.


Having dressed and shaved and feeling somewhat more human and less like some nocturnal creature that makes it's home in the woods, I made my way groggily down to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of tea. I pondered the arrival of Aunt Juniper and what that would mean to my current existence.

Would I still be the same Phineas Matova, man about town? Would there be the long nights of carousing or would I be forced to stay home in the evenings, rubbing aunt bunions, threading needles and listening to stories about her rheumatic cat? I shuddered involuntarily. Granted, she was not Aunt Maria, the most feared of all the aunts, but still, it was not good news.

(hic)


to be continued..

A confession....

I, Phineas Matova, Man about Town, have an rather unpleasant confession to make. No, not that incident. Nor that incident. I told you, the thing with the dirigibles was the unicorn's fault.

*sighs heavily* Now, I've lost my train of thought...

*several minutes pass*

What? Oh yes, I had a rather earth shattering confession to make. Something terrible is going to happen and I fear I had rather a hand in it, you see. Of course, my intentions were good...how was I to know that they were going to explode in my face rather horridly?

It all began with that first letter, several months ago...after being rather unceremoniously dumped by our guardian, Aunt Maria...on the doorstep of my cousin Violet after that other incident....no, really that was my younger siblings fault..these terrible letters began to arrive from another aunt.



Oh yes, we have several. About seven, possibly eight, if you count that one living in a country that I cannot remember at this time. I do believe it is hot and dusty, which narrows the field down a bit. This was not that aunt. This was my maiden aunt Juniper, not the battle-axe that Maria is, but certainly not my fun-loving, gin soaked aunt Elspeth. (who am I told I rather resemble. *beams*)



These were horrid letters, addressed to my cousin, advising her that she had heard reports of my "scandalous behavior" as she described it and casting all sorts of aspersions on my character and making implications that my cousin was not doing her best to 'control me".


Firstly, I am Phineas Matova, Man about Town. While I do have a healthy enjoyment of life's pleasures, I do not believe that I am "a menace to society" And I am fifteen months older than my cousin, and therefore should be her guardian, not the other way around. Of course she merely laughs at me when I try to bring this up. I try to point out her sleepwalking and the many times she has taken a spill into the water, but this only seems to make her laugh harder. Pfft.


*swigs directly from absinthe bottle instead of pouring it into a glass*

*sighs heavily*

Valentines day (hic) is upon us and I have yet to find a wealthy young lady with castle to court...*takes drink and falls over backwards*

Several minutes later...

So it'll just be me and the unicorn....(hic) I love me unicorn....*passes out*

Conflagrations

It-it wasn't me! (hic) *points at unicorn who is busy destroying a nearby rose bush*

I had no idea dirigibles could be so fiery...I mean ...erm...the unicorn didn't ....*runs away*