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Monday, December 31

My unicorn and I wish you a very happy New Year. (hic) Hopefully the coming year will see me being finally being supported by a wealthy young lady....I-I mean erm...married. Yes, that's it. *coughs*

Wednesday, December 5

Eight Random Facts (hic) about me

Since I was tagged by her Grace Kintyre, I must oblige.... (hic)

1. My parents, Arthur and Margaret Matova, went out for a post dinner stroll several years ago and are currently missing and presumed dead *sniff* So for all intents and purposes...I am an orphan..*sob* I suppose my sisters are as well...I think I have sisters anyway....(hic)


2. I have a pet unicorn named Eleanor, who has an unfortunate fondness for rose bushes. My memories of aquiring her are rather murky.... I think a man with a parrot was involved...


3. I am a trained mime. Shocking, I know. (hic) I studied with a rather irascible gentleman in Paris named Jacque. Jacque had a wooden leg, a collection of scarves and lived in an attic room with four cats. (this was also the time I discovered the magical green elixir known as absinthe...)
Jaque would frequently say: "des Phineas vous ĂȘtes probablement l'homme le plus stupide que j'ai jamais rencontrĂ©" and hit me with the wooden leg, which I took to be his highest praise.

He eventually encouraged me, quite literally, to spread my wings and fly, by shoving me out of the garrett window. I waved and shouted that I would never forget him as I limped painfully towards the train. I've heard that he got a fifth cat.


4 I have also had some training as a surgeon and have even performed a successful appendectomy in past. I think....anyway. We'd both had a bottle of whiskey each...my memory of it is quite blurry. Oddly... I remember waking up in gaol the next morning. The charges were dropped when they found my patient wandering naked in a field. (hic)


5. I once worked as a piano player in an establishment on the Barbary coast...even though I don't know a lick of music. I don't believe anyone noticed. (hic) I would just keep hitting a random succession of keys. The only skill set needed was being able to duck flying bottles and chairs due to the patrons penchant for fisticuffs.

I lost that job, when the barkeep, who was also a raving pyromaniac, set fire to the building. After that, I was hired to accompany a troupe of Isadora Duncan -style dancers, but was sacked when I was filled with the spirit of the muse and attempted to join them onstage...even though I got a standing ovation as I was carried out by the local constable. Those ladies wouldn't know grace and movement if it bit them in the ---I digress (hic)


6. I am quite the dancer (see above)


7. I know I have the image of being the man about town, but there is the rare occasion, where even I, Phineas Matova, Man about Town, enjoy sitting by a nice fire, reading poetry. Admittedly these are the times when I can't go to the pub as my cousin has hidden her purse too well. I'd not recommend her to anyone hiring people to hide easter eggs as you'll have a load of crying children on your hands. I would, however, recommend her to anyone attempting to hide from the police or police looking for someone in hiding.



8. Yes ladies, I am single!! (hic)