Homecoming! (Conclusion)

Once we reached Uncle Theo's home, I was immediately dragged off by Uncle Theo's driver and forced to endure having several buckets of hot water dumped on me and being scrubbed with lye.

 After being given a rather unfashionable set of garments appearing to belong to a much larger man, the clothes that I was wearing were burned in a barrel (despite my protests, I was quite fond of that vest) and I was deemed appropriate for entering the house, where Mrs Uncle Theo (I didn't catch her name) and an seemingly endless parade of Simon's siblings made my somewhat unwilling acquaintance.

Mrs Uncle Theo mumbled something about supper being almost ready.  My stomach grumbled in appreciation and I followed her and her numerous and belligerent brood into the dining room. 
With the exception of "pass the salt please" and "Mummy!  Joseph is kicking me!", supper was a blessedly silent affair as we masticated our food, until the dishes were cleared away.

 I delicately patted my lips with my napkin and murmured my appreciation of the food.   As I was starting to ask where the nearest pub was, Uncle Theo abruptly (and rather rudely) interrupted me.

"Phineas, you're a drunken, dissolute man with no real purpose.  Do you know what you need?"

"A wealthy lady with a castle?  A well stocked wine cellar?  A unicorn??"

"Don't be daft!  You need a job!  A purpose!  Phineas, I'm offering you a chance to come and work for me. What do you say?"

Everything went black at that moment.

I awoke with a start as the maid waved some smelling salts under my nose.

"A job??? A JOB???? !!!  ARE YOU MAD???" I shrieked...dear reader, I am not ashamed to say that I shrieked.  "I AM A POET!!! A MAN ABOUT TOWN!  A BON VIVANT!!! BON VIVANTS DO NOT HAVE JOBS!!!   WHAT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT??"

Apparently this outburst caused Mrs. Uncle Theo to faint, colliding to the floor in a heap.  The maid yanked the smelling salts away and rushed to aid her mistress while Uncle Theo turned several shades of red and purple, swore loudly and called me many names, none of which I cannot repeat here, while Mrs Uncle Theo was hauled off to her bed.  Needless to say, supper was ruined.

Afterwards, I was politely offered a ticket on the first ship back to Caledon.  The following morning, I was marched by two rather gruff gentlemen up the gangplank to the ship berthed in the harbor, who both waited on the dock until they were certain the boat had left and I was on it. 

My journey back to Caledon was considerably less eventful, unless you count the time I was confined to my cabin for "frightening" a group of maiden aunts with my interpretive dancing.  But that's a story for another time, dear readers.

Uncle Theo is generally unpleasant (Part 5)

In rather short time I found myself bundled into a car with Uncle Theo, the insufferable brat Simon and Uncle Theo's rather large and imposing driver.   Feeling very much as if being arrested by New York's finest might actually have been a preferable outcome to this, I stared bleakly out the window as we made our way down Broadway.

Uncle Theo's eyes bored into me like two tiny grey coloured marbles, capable of ....boring into things.  I was greatly rattled and in need of some sort of..... refreshment, but I feared that wasn't going to be a possibility.
I heard a sound like a elephant with indigestion.  Uncle Theo was clearing his throat in prepartion for my continued inquisition.

"Phineas, you've not answered me.  How on earth did you come to be in New York?"

This was accompanied by a pinch from the appalling young Simon.

"Ouch!  Stop that!!" 

"Simon, don't pinch your cousin.  It's not polite.  Besides, we don't know where he's been and we all know how much you hate having to get a shot."

"Sorry Daddy." 

I sighed heavily and dramatically, attempting to look as wounded and unthreatening as possible.

"Phineas, you really are an impossible creature." Uncle Theo muttered to no one in particular.

"Fine, Uncle Theo if you must know...this was all some sort of dreadful ....accident."

A rather loud and unpleasant  noise emitted from Uncle Theo..apparently his version of a guffaw.

"Accident?  How in the hell do you accidentally travel across the Atlantic??!"   Uncle Theo began shaking with laughter at my tragedy.   The driver smirked and Simon stared at me as if I were quite mad indeed.

"It was most certainly not funny at all...it was all quite traumatic!!  I simply fell asleep....in a crate....and awoke in this...strange and barbaric land!!!"   I swooned a bit, just to demonstrate the sheer horridness of it all and was met with ..even more.laughter.   I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at them as stonily and imposingly as I could manage, given that I had spent the night in Central Park and random twigs and leaves were sticking out from my hair at jaunty angles.



To be continued...

Part 4: Uncle Theo appears

When last we left, I was being poked with a stick by a horrid little urchin:
http://phineasmatova.blogspot.com/2009/11/it-continuespart-3.html

I stared up...up...the long coat, the thick, cigar clutching fingers, the bristly beard that seemed to radiate displeasure and into the cold, gimlet eyes of ...my Uncle Theo.

I coughed and blinked.  "Uncle Theo?" I said just to be on the safe side.  It could have very well been an hallucination from the plants I was forced to subsist on while I was hiding from the police.

 "Yes, you ass.  I am your Uncle Theodore, now get up or I'll let Simon have at you again."

 "Simon?"

He affectionately patted the mangy head of the stick wielding urchin who beamed up at him.  "Yes Simon, I'm sad to say this wretch is your cousin."  This unleashed another assault from the little devil who now began to thrash me with his stick.

"Get up, Daddy says you haf to"

"Yes, I will ..just stop ...bloody hell!! That hurts!"

"Don't swear in front of the moppet!"

Grumbling darkly, I managed to stand and dust myself off under the combined glares of Uncle Theo and his progeny.

"So Phineas, I believe the question is, how on earth did you get here?"

Another poem

"Tree"

Oh mighty tree
You are not a member of the bourgeoisie
Though you appear to be
inhabited by a bee
but thankfully not a banshee
I like afternoon tea.

Happy new year!!

Yes, I realize that it is a few days into the new year.  I've been busy!!!  Visiting pubs! *hic*

And I started a new poem.

"Barrel"

Brown and stout
There you sit
Not full of trout
Or mince pie.


Still working on the ending.  I shall continue my narrative of my New York adventure, but the details are rather fuzzy at the moment.  I think there were pickles...