Joyeux Noel!!

Wishing everyone a smashing Christmas. (hic) Auntie dragged me off to cousin Violet's for Christmas dinner this year. To Stormhold...which was awfully snowy and chilly. Better than the boarding house, I suppose. Oh yes, I'm back there, to my great chagrin (hic) There was...an incident...something to do with my flat burning down or something....something like that...

Here is a tintype Auntie took of cousin Violet and myself whilst we were waiting for the goose to cook:

(My cousin promptly mocked my hat. She is simply jealous because she is not nearly as smashing as I am)

As a reward for good behavior (not frightening her other boarders for a week, not setting the boarding house alight, not mentioning the unicorn, not 'getting a snoot full' as she calls it...difficult when there are no pubs within walking distance..) Auntie accompanied me on a visit to Caledon, where we first visited cousin Violet for tea.

I believe she has mostly put that unfortunate incident of her home burning to the ground (the unicorn is still at large...do not look at me like that) and seems to be settling well into her life in Stormhold. I did notice she removed all sharp/pointy objects from the vicinity...(difficult when one is trying to butter one's scone...a spoon simply does not do...besides I don't believe you can injure anyone with a butter knife...harrumph ) After our scones and tea, we bid adieu to my cousin and went off to continue our visit.

We walked through the new Oxbridge University, admiring the buildings and grounds. I managed a few tintypes of the visit:

Oh.... I have control of my camera. Indeed I do. What a handsome devil.

Ah, very Byron-esque here. Moody, sullen and poetic. I was going to write a poem on the spot, since I felt so poetic, but I neglected to bring either paper or pen and then Auntie told me to stop arseing about. Pfft.

Auntie and I strolling the grounds while she tells me yet again the sad, sad story of her first husband, Eustace Winterbottom and his demise at the hands of (or is it paws?) grizzly bears.

Auntie and I prepare to take our leave of Caledon, taken just before she rapped me with her cane for smoking. *grumbles*

Help!!

To whomever out there who may be reading this...please help...I have been kidnapped by my Aunt Juniper and forced to escort on her on her travels...*sniff*

Let me backtrack slightly, you may recall that my aunt had arrived for a visit lo these many moons ago...I made a feeble attempt at escape...whilst Violet was greeting the old battleaxe and had requested I sally forth to fetch a cab, I made a dash for freedom.

I spent an afternoon and evening hiding in one of the local pubs, then a remaining night hiding in a shrubbery, until I was rousted by a very angry gentleman and his even more angry wife. Well, I certainly know when I'm not welcome. The sun was gently creeping into the sky, the cocks were crowing...and I was growing peckish and by the scent of things....badly needed a scrub.

I sighed and looked around me. The nearest hotel was miles away and I was growing rather low on funds. My cousin's home was only a few minutes walk away and perhaps no one would be awake at this ungodly hour. I tiptoed in as quietly as I could..no one was about. Exhaling softly, I began to set about making tea...when I began to feel that I was not alone. As if two beady eyes were boring into my very soul.

I swallowed. "Hello?"

"Harumph. Running off and leaving an old woman at the train station. Ass."

I fear I would be remiss in not saying that I broke out in an icy sweat. As she circled me like a wolf circling something it wanted to eat for dinner...she fixed me with her eagle like stare...and wrinkled her nose.

"You smell like a distillery..pfft..." I shivered as she placed a shriveled, bony claw on my arm.

"What? no kisses for your auntie??!" she cackled huskily...sending even more shivers down my spine and making me feel quite faint. I staggered over to a nearby chair and sat weakly in it. Aunt Juniper shuffled over to the stove and began banging about..."hmmpf...you need lots of strong coffee...you look like you've been dragged behind a carriage..." this seemed to cause her some sort of fit that I deduced was laughter.

To be continued...

I blinked furiously as the sun seemed to be searing into my retinas and hurriedly shuffled off after Violet as she began heading towards the train station, feeling as if I were marching off to meet, well perhaps not the firing squad but perhaps to an appointment with a large burly man wielding a cat o'nine tails. Although it is not my cup of tea, there would be some folk who would pay for that sort of appointment, as I, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, have discovered in my wanderings....I digress.

A chill wind seemed to blow from the northeast as I staggered after my cousin, clutching my coat around me and shivering. Thinking that I could perhaps stall our progress to the train station, I racked my brain for a quick diversion that would seem believable. The only thing that I could come up with on the spot was feigning a fainting spell.

"V-Violet..I don't feel so well" I took a few halting steps backwards ( I am a trained mime) and clutching at my forehead, fell to my knees (being careful also to not muss my trousers or hair)
and let out a heartwrenching (I thought at least) moan.

My cousin turned and looked at me, with the sort of look one would reserve for say an unpleasant bug, rather than a cousin in grave distress. She sighed a bit and said

"Phineas, quit arsing about. You're making us late for Auntie Junipers train and believe me, I do not want to hear her complain for the next fortnight about how we abandoned an old woman"

"Alright, fine. But I might have been fainting!"

"Come along Phineas!"

I stood up, carefully brushing my trousers off and trudged off after her.

to be continued

My dear cousin Violet is entirely too soft hearted when it comes to small critters. Where I saw a plump and tasty thanksgiving dinner here, she sees a new family pet. Pfft. (hic)

Look...you can see it hypnotizing her right there. See? Don't look into it's hypnotic turkey eyes Violet! Oh...too late. (hic)

So instead of a nice thanksgiving dinner (hic) I have an empty stomach and a turkey named Ned with an attitude problem. Don't you use your turkey hypnosis on me, Neddie boy.

(hic)

Until next time,

Phineas