The Bon Mots of Phineas Matova

Homecoming! (Conclusion)

2010-08-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Once we reached Uncle Theo's home, I was immediately dragged off by Uncle Theo's driver and forced to endure having several buckets of hot water dumped on me and being scrubbed with lye.

After being given a rather unfashionable set of garments appearing to belong to a much larger man, the clothes that I was wearing were burned in a barrel (despite my protests, I was quite fond of that vest) and I was deemed appropriate for entering the house, where Mrs Uncle Theo (I didn't catch her name) and an seemingly endless parade of Simon's siblings made my somewhat unwilling acquaintance.

Mrs Uncle Theo mumbled something about supper being almost ready. My stomach grumbled in appreciation and I followed her and her numerous and belligerent brood into the dining room.
With the exception of "pass the salt please" and "Mummy! Joseph is kicking me!", supper was a blessedly silent affair as we masticated our food, until the dishes were cleared away.

I delicately patted my lips with my napkin and murmured my appreciation of the food. As I was starting to ask where the nearest pub was, Uncle Theo abruptly (and rather rudely) interrupted me.

"Phineas, you're a drunken, dissolute man with no real purpose. Do you know what you need?"

"A wealthy lady with a castle? A well stocked wine cellar? A unicorn??"

"Don't be daft! You need a job! A purpose! Phineas, I'm offering you a chance to come and work for me. What do you say?"

Everything went black at that moment.

I awoke with a start as the maid waved some smelling salts under my nose.

"A job??? A JOB???? !!! ARE YOU MAD???" I shrieked...dear reader, I am not ashamed to say that I shrieked. "I AM A POET!!! A MAN ABOUT TOWN! A BON VIVANT!!! BON VIVANTS DO NOT HAVE JOBS!!! WHAT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT??"

Apparently this outburst caused Mrs. Uncle Theo to faint, colliding to the floor in a heap. The maid yanked the smelling salts away and rushed to aid her mistress while Uncle Theo turned several shades of red and purple, swore loudly and called me many names, none of which I cannot repeat here, while Mrs Uncle Theo was hauled off to her bed. Needless to say, supper was ruined.

Afterwards, I was politely offered a ticket on the first ship back to Caledon. The following morning, I was marched by two rather gruff gentlemen up the gangplank to the ship berthed in the harbor, who both waited on the dock until they were certain the boat had left and I was on it.

My journey back to Caledon was considerably less eventful, unless you count the time I was confined to my cabin for "frightening" a group of maiden aunts with my interpretive dancing. But that's a story for another time, dear readers.

Uncle Theo is generally unpleasant (Part 5)

2010-08-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

In rather short time I found myself bundled into a car with Uncle Theo, the insufferable brat Simon and Uncle Theo's rather large and imposing driver.   Feeling very much as if being arrested by New York's finest might actually have been a preferable outcome to this, I stared bleakly out the window as we made our way down Broadway.

Uncle Theo's eyes bored into me like two tiny grey coloured marbles, capable of ....boring into things. I was greatly rattled and in need of some sort of..... refreshment, but I feared that wasn't going to be a possibility.
I heard a sound like a elephant with indigestion. Uncle Theo was clearing his throat in prepartion for my continued inquisition.

"Phineas, you've not answered me. How on earth did you come to be in New York?"

This was accompanied by a pinch from the appalling young Simon.

"Ouch! Stop that!!"

"Simon, don't pinch your cousin. It's not polite. Besides, we don't know where he's been and we all know how much you hate having to get a shot."

"Sorry Daddy."

I sighed heavily and dramatically, attempting to look as wounded and unthreatening as possible.

"Phineas, you really are an impossible creature." Uncle Theo muttered to no one in particular.

"Fine, Uncle Theo if you must know...this was all some sort of dreadful ....accident."

A rather loud and unpleasant noise emitted from Uncle Theo..apparently his version of a guffaw.

"Accident? How in the hell do you accidentally travel across the Atlantic??!"   Uncle Theo began shaking with laughter at my tragedy.   The driver smirked and Simon stared at me as if I were quite mad indeed.

"It was most certainly not funny at all...it was all quite traumatic!! I simply fell asleep....in a crate....and awoke in this...strange and barbaric land!!!"   I swooned a bit, just to demonstrate the sheer horridness of it all and was met with ..even more.laughter.   I crossed my arms across my chest and glared at them as stonily and imposingly as I could manage, given that I had spent the night in Central Park and random twigs and leaves were sticking out from my hair at jaunty angles.

To be continued...

Part 4: Uncle Theo appears

2010-02-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

When last we left, I was being poked with a stick by a horrid little urchin:
http://phineasmatova.blogspot.com/2009/11/it-continuespart-3.html

I stared up...up...the long coat, the thick, cigar clutching fingers, the bristly beard that seemed to radiate displeasure and into the cold, gimlet eyes of ...my Uncle Theo.

I coughed and blinked. "Uncle Theo?" I said just to be on the safe side. It could have very well been an hallucination from the plants I was forced to subsist on while I was hiding from the police.

"Yes, you ass. I am your Uncle Theodore, now get up or I'll let Simon have at you again."

"Simon?"

He affectionately patted the mangy head of the stick wielding urchin who beamed up at him. "Yes Simon, I'm sad to say this wretch is your cousin." This unleashed another assault from the little devil who now began to thrash me with his stick.

"Get up, Daddy says you haf to"

"Yes, I will ..just stop ...bloody hell!! That hurts!"

"Don't swear in front of the moppet!"

Grumbling darkly, I managed to stand and dust myself off under the combined glares of Uncle Theo and his progeny.

"So Phineas, I believe the question is, how on earth did you get here?"

Another poem

2010-01-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

"Tree"

Oh mighty tree
You are not a member of the bourgeoisie
Though you appear to be
inhabited by a bee
but thankfully not a banshee
I like afternoon tea.

Happy new year!!

2010-01-21T23:57:00.000-08:00

Yes, I realize that it is a few days into the new year. I've been busy!!! Visiting pubs! *hic*

And I started a new poem.

"Barrel"

Brown and stout
There you sit
Not full of trout
Or mince pie.

Still working on the ending. I shall continue my narrative of my New York adventure, but the details are rather fuzzy at the moment. I think there were pickles...

An Important Announcement

2009-12-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

Yes I, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, Poet at Large and General Bon Vivant now shall deliver my thoughts to you in 140 character increments.

http://twitter.com/phineasmatova

It continues...(part 3)

2009-11-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

I awoke with a start. A grubby, shock headed youngster of about four or five was standing nearby, armed with a stick . The ankle biter was poking me in the side with the infernal thing.

"Are you dead mister?"

"I am most certainly not. Stop poking at me"

"Are you sick?"

"No."

"Are you sleeping?"

"I was, until you decided to -OW, I said stop that immediately! I am getting very cross!"

"Are you a hobo?"

"I most certainly am not a hobo. I am Phineas Matova, Man About Town, Poet at Large and apparently a refugee, through no fault of my own, in your fair city."

The brat blinked a couple of times.

"What's a poet at large, mister?"

I sighed heavily and rolled over onto my side.

"You're too young to understand, urchin. Let me sleep"

I closed my eyes with the full intention of meeting Morpheus, but again felt an unwanted object being thrust into my side.

"What is it now, urchin?" I blearily opened my eyes and was met with the rather disapproving gaze of a policeman.

to be continued..

In which I am a fugitive. (again)

2009-09-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Seeing the constables advancing and picturing myself in a tiny cramped Manhattan jail, I took the liberty of the ensuing confusion to flee. After pushing past several grandmothers who shrieked and beat at me with their fists, I managed to lose myself in the crowd.

Having put what I thought was a reasonable distance between myself and the police, I staggered into a dark alleyway, that smelt strongly of cabbage and boiled socks. I leaned against a wall, breathing heavily. (Despite my many attributes, athletics are not my strong point)

I heaved a heavy sigh and reached into my jacket pocket for my flask, which was dangerously close to empty. I swigged as much as I could and then carefully placed my trusty old friend back into my jacket, then managed to dodge a bucket of water that was tossed from one of the windows.

"Excuse me, I happen to be thinking down here, could you cease that activity?" This was met with another waterfall and what sounded like cursing in an unfamilar language. Well, indeed. I huffily left the alleyway in search of a better place for Phineas Matova, Man About Town to contemplate his current circumstances.

After walking for what seemed like hours, I happened upon a large and pleasant park. I was growing weary and there was a rather large, leafy shrub nearby. After checking for hobos, I crawled under it and settled in for a good, long nap.

In which I am kidnapped

2009-08-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

Yes, Phineas Matova, Man About Town and Poet at Large has returned to Caledon! I know you missed me as much as I missed you, but I was off having adventures.

It all began when one evening in late Spring, I discovered we were out of whiskey. Actually my dear cousin had forgotten to store any in her cellar. She should really get a lock for that cellar. Anyone could just wander in and take up refuge as I did after Auntie threw me out again.

I digress.

I decided to take a stroll, hoping to find a pub nearby. After some wandering, I found one. After spending a enjoyable evening with a bottle of whiskey or..three...I decided to head for home...although at that point I wasn't sure where home was...I found myself walking near Port Caledon, when I had the misfortune to fall asleep in a crate sitting on one of the docks.

It looked quite cosy and comfortable...how was I to know it was to be placed on a boat headed for the blasted United States? I was sleeping. Generally a time when I would assume, one is to be left undisturbed, not packed into a crate, loaded onto a ship, having to ...break out of said crate, be accused of being a stowaway, (I was kidnapped!!) subjected to seasickness, bad food, be made to swab the deck and then be "accidentally" flung overboard by crew members? Luckily we weren't ....that far from shore and besides being a poet, man about town and general bon vivant, I am also an excellent swimmer.

So swim I did....until I reached the shore. Apparently I was in Manhattan, which is what I was told by the police...apparently not that many gentlemen swim in the East River and my arrival caused a great commotion, particularly among the ladies...many of whom fainted.

To be continued...

A portrait of the poet at large/man about town as a young man.

2009-05-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

I was on a visit to cousin Violet's home in Stormhold for tea and snapped this while waiting for tea to be prepared. I was going for "slightly byronesque and rumpled, but incredibly handsome poet and man about town" and think I was rather successful in this endevour!

2009-05-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

Greetings gentle readers. I Phineas Matova, Man about Town and Poet at Large..have returned!!!

Returned from what, you may ask...and of course I will answer, you silly gooses. *beams*

This is the time of year when I am... press ganged into accompanying my aunts, uncles and assorted others on a grand tour of the Mediterranean. Meaning, Phineas Matova, usually the dapper gent given to merriments of alll sorts, is required to spend a great deal of time with his...tiresome family.

Long, dreary meals, listening to various uncles and aunt blather about the consistency of their broth and whether noodles are the 'devils work' , whilst I stare miserably into my supper.

Even drearier apres dinner gatherings where one's niece or nephew mercilessly tortures a musical instrument or performs an ennui-inducing pantomime, usually followed by a discussion of the various and sundry maladies that have struck those more advanced in age of the family.

My only relief was the embrace of sweet, merciful sleep and the rare escape with Uncle Jeremiah to nearby drinking establishments.

But thankfully, my familial nightmare is over.... at least until next spring.

Cupid for hire!

2009-01-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

As Valentines day is fast approaching, I Phineas Matova, Man About Town and Poet at Large, would like to offer my services to the ladies of Caledon, New Babbage, Steelhead and other nations in the Realm of the Roses as a Cupid for Hire. For the price of twenty-five linden (you pay me, don't be funny now) I shall arrive (in the charming costume above) and give you a kiss. A kiss that shall no doubt make you quite ...weak in the knees...*smiles*

And remember ladies... please no...arguments or scuffles over me...I know I am incredibly charming and handsome, but there is quite enough of me to go around *wink*

Portrait of an Auntie in Purple

2009-01-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

Somewhat self explanatory....

Fiendish Tropical Islands!!

2009-01-17T20:11:00.000-08:00

Feeling a bit of the winter...malaise and dreadfully in need of a tropical holiday, I thought that Mondserrat would set me right. The trip began...oddly..as I scrambled out of an escape hatch...

And deposited myself on a beach that seemed to be free of dancing girls and refreshing beverages featuring rum, but was full of shipwreck debris and these fellows.

More 'modern' art I suppose *hic* palm trees, big flowery things.....now this looks more like it. Oooh a kitty. Nice kitty!!!

Me and the nice kitty!

I stumbled upon what appeared to be a teddy bear picnic. The teddies proved to be more irascible than Aunt Juniper even. And armed with Napalm.

After fleeing the cute little homicidal maniacs and checking to see that I was not still on fire, I paused by this curious sign. How silly, what Meteorites???

Oh...that meteorite. Right...

After trudging up more bloody hills, getting stung by bees, I stumbled across a temple of the "Happicat". Thankfully, the temple appears to provide free food, as I had been wandering for hours and had yet to find a pub on this blasted island.

After stumbling around for a few more hours, I chanced upon this wondrous sight!! I shall admit to weeping with joy...

Awakening groggily the next morning under the bar....I continued my journey...filled with a strange dread...or perhaps that was just the cheeseburger...

Ooh! What a shiny and colorful vehicle!! Unfortunately it was filled with shouty and bad tempered aliens...

Giant volcanic kitty!!

Feeling rather rough after several hours of dodging things, running away from things and falling down hills.... and rather in need of a....vacation ...from the tropical island....I managed to flag down a passing fishing vessel, who were kind enough to deposit me at the nearest hospital in Port Caledon.

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

I hope this finds everyone well..

As the old year departs and the new year creeps in, I find myself reflecting upon the past. Yes, even I, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, Poet at Large and general bon vivant, will stop and reflect upon the past.

Of course, when one has been locked in one's room by one short, irascible, table-tipping auntie, one is rather forced to find a way to occupy one's time. That was the major unfortunate development this year....finding myself under the eagle eye and in the withered talons of one Auntie Juniper. *shudders*

Beyond that disturbing development, it wasn't a bad year. I managed to avoid spending time in either gaol or the sanitorium.

I came close this summer . after being accused of burning my cousins house down (it was the unicorn!!) and only managed to escape by becoming a fugitive in Tanglewood. The life of an outlaw, filled as it was with tinies with pointed sticks and poison ivy, was still preferable to the drudgery that was to await me when Auntie Juniper swooped in and carted me off to her boarding house that smells of boiled cabbage and wet wool.

My hope for this year, as years past is to locate a young lady with a castle who can support - I mean become my lovely blushing bride.

Joyeux Noel!!

2008-12-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

Wishing everyone a smashing Christmas. (hic) Auntie dragged me off to cousin Violet's for Christmas dinner this year. To Stormhold...which was awfully snowy and chilly. Better than the boarding house, I suppose. Oh yes, I'm back there, to my great chagrin (hic) There was...an incident...something to do with my flat burning down or something....something like that...

Here is a tintype Auntie took of cousin Violet and myself whilst we were waiting for the goose to cook:

(My cousin promptly mocked my hat. She is simply jealous because she is not nearly as smashing as I am)

Ooh...Poems!!!

2008-11-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

(Written whilst my aunt was cooking Thanksgiving dinner..before she shooed me out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon. Now I am crouching in the garden as my cousin seems to have accidentally locked me out of the house)

"Turkey"
Once you roamed so free
In a field, or wherever it is
that turkeys congregate.

Now you cook in the stove...

Auntie, stop poking me with that
Fine ,I shall get out of the kitchen

I look forward to your golden-brownish
delciousness.

A Place to Lay My Charming Minature Top Hat.

2008-11-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's been an eventul few days. I am now settling into a flat that Auntie arranged for me to rent. It's smaller ...very small actually...and less....poetic than I would have liked, but it will do for the moment.

I'm just glad to be out of that godforsaken boarding house. I swear I had not a minute to myself there...difficult when one is....creating...poems...to be constantly interrupted to come downstairs for meals or for tea...or to escort one's Aunt on her daily constitutional...or all sorts of dreary things.

Granted, it is not the plush setting that I imagined that Phineas Matova, man about town and poet at large, would be dwelling and entertaining in, but I have a table and chairs, a fireplace, and a goodly supply of *peers at a faded label on a large barrel in the corner* whiskey? Whiskey I believe it is. Bought it from a chap in an alley. And that is all I need.

Perhaps I shall take a stroll and make aquaintance of my new neighbors...or perhaps I shall stay in and write poems...Oh I believe I shall do that this evening, with no Aunt to ask me to rub her bunions or ask me to fetch her yarn from behind the sofa or bathe her ancient, dyspeptic cat.

Mr Boots apparently had some sort of ...skin condition.

2008-11-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

I was feeling...in need of a new outfit, so I purchased this ensemble. I think the hat lends quite a dashing touch, no? My cousin seemed quite taken indeed by it, as she began to clutch her hankie to her face and laugh in an hysterical fashion. Poor thing, she seems to get these terrible fits when I am about...

2008-10-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

As a reward for good behavior (not frightening her other boarders for a week, not setting the boarding house alight, not mentioning the unicorn, not 'getting a snoot full' as she calls it...difficult when there are no pubs within walking distance..) Auntie accompanied me on a visit to Caledon, where we first visited cousin Violet for tea.

I believe she has mostly put that unfortunate incident of her home burning to the ground (the unicorn is still at large...do not look at me like that) and seems to be settling well into her life in Stormhold. I did notice she removed all sharp/pointy objects from the vicinity...(difficult when one is trying to butter one's scone...a spoon simply does not do...besides I don't believe you can injure anyone with a butter knife...harrumph ) After our scones and tea, we bid adieu to my cousin and went off to continue our visit.

We walked through the new Oxbridge University, admiring the buildings and grounds. I managed a few tintypes of the visit:

Oh.... I have control of my camera. Indeed I do. What a handsome devil.

Ah, very Byron-esque here. Moody, sullen and poetic. I was going to write a poem on the spot, since I felt so poetic, but I neglected to bring either paper or pen and then Auntie told me to stop arseing about. Pfft.

Auntie and I strolling the grounds while she tells me yet again the sad, sad story of her first husband, Eustace Winterbottom and his demise at the hands of (or is it paws?) grizzly bears.

Auntie and I prepare to take our leave of Caledon, taken just before she rapped me with her cane for smoking. *grumbles*

More Poetry by Phineas Matova

2008-09-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

As I have been bedridden recently with the grippe, my subject matter has become limited to the contents of my bedchamber.

"Spoon"

Spoon, laying against the empty bowl
which was full of soup.
But has now been consumed.
Gazing at my reflection
In the round part
Even all distorted
I am a handsome devil.

"Socks"

You lay intertwined on the floor
lifeless and eyeless
Well of course lifeless,
because you are socks.
And it would be very frightening
If you were alive.
And as everyone knows,
Socks can't see.

*sneezes*

I believe this one to be my finest work yet, spare and economical...yet it conveys so very much about the human condition in just four lines... I call it:

"Toast"

Gently browning over the fire,
Crispy and golden, just the way I like it
Crumbling delicately in my mouth
Especially good with butter or jam.

*sneezes and coughs*

Actually I'd like some toast very much right now, but as the cook for the boarding house is off shirking her duties at home, I shall have to figure out the stove myself. Pah.

A poem by Phineas Matova

2008-08-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Since there is little to do here at my aunt's boarding house..(all attempts at escape a failure, no pubs nearby, no vistors *coughs and glares* ) I have taken up writing poetry to pass away the long, long hours. My first subject being the young lady who frequently hovers about, Miss Saffron... something or other. something with letters and such....it escapes me at the moment...

I'm taking a contemporary approach here...all that ryhming business may be suitable for maiden aunts sitting at lace-doily covered tables with ostrich quills, but not Phineas Matova, man about town and poet at large!!

"Saffie, old girl"

Little beigey lady
With your hair so beige
And your dress so beige
You are like a stalk of wheat
Waving in the sun

Your eyes are like two shiny buttons
Sitting neatly in your head
I am most glad they are there
Because it would be a tragedy
If they were not.

For hours you sit,
Squinting at your embroidery
and your knitting
And your books.
Thank you for the scarf, by the way.

No applause necessary. I shall not forget all of you when I am Poet Laureate.. *beams*

Yawns.

2008-08-12T23:03:00.001-07:00

Mother of god, I am bored and ...*sob* sober...this state of affairs cannot continue..... the days crawl by and the nights...*yawns*

I finally managed to make a tintype of Miss Antwerp...or Aardark...for the life of me I cannot remember the woman's name. Perhaps it is Antelope? Here she is, skulking by a wall.

Surprisingly, she is wearing a colour other than beige, which she seems to favor.

Status...

2008-07-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

I know that you all have been terribly concerned about the whereabouts of Phineas Matova, man about town. Please let me put your fears to rest, dear folk of Caledon.

I have been accused of arson. I was camped out in the Tanglewood forest, living on nuts and berries. I was attacked and nearly consumed by Vorpal bunnies. (who on earth is keeping Vorpal bunnies?? *shudders*) A tiny poked me with a sharp stick. Then another tiny poked me with a sharp stick. I fell out of trees. Several times. I was very itchy.

But now,, dear people of Caledon, I am safe in the custody of my Aunt Juniper, living in a room at her boarding house not too far away...really, just a short train ride outside of Caledon. Not even an hour, from what I recall...admittedly I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I took it, being a bit dazed. But thirty to forty minutes at the outside. And the scenery is very pleasant. I assume anyway.

My Aunt has not allowed me to leave the premises yet. Believe me, I have tried, but then a rather surly gentleman that she has as a border ...talks me into returning to my little room. I would never have figured that such a large and imposing figure would be interested in summoning spirits and table rapping, rather than the more violent pursuits that he seems to be ideally suited for, but that seems to be the case.

Oh yes, my Aunt primarly rents out rooms to others who are spiritualists or those who wish to be. It does grow rather tiresome at times, with the household full of knocking noises, or peculiar disembodied voices.

Occasionally I have been frightened out of my wits by one apparation in particular that suddenly appears in my room and hovers there until my Aunt comes in and sends it..her...*shudders* away. Apparently this is her spirit guide Flossie, who has taken a dislike to me and enjoys tormenting me.

Another form tends to hover around me, but I realized quickly that this was not a ghost, but another one of the boarders. A Miss Antwerp? I am uncertain, but she seems to favor the color beige. She is the only boarder who seems to want to visit me.

Did I mention the boarding house is only a thirty minute train ride outside of Caledon?

Nightmare?

2008-07-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Wha--what happened? I had a strange and terrible dream about being in a tree...and then being carted off by flying bunnies....and then I fell and fell and fell....and was back in the tree again. And now I'm itchy. And seem to have misplaced my trousers again.

*passes out*

A package...

2008-07-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

When last we left, Phineas Matova, man about town was in hiding as he was accused of burning his cousin Violet's house to the ground....even though the unicorn was responsible...
I realize that unicorns are generally not known as arsonists, but I swear, by the coarse hair on my Auntie Juniper's head that this one is!

Dirty, disheveled and rather peckish...I had taken to searching for from scraps from a rubbish bin, hiding out in the Tanglewood forest, wearing an outfit rather cunningly fashioned out of twigs and leaves as I seem to have misplaced my trousers..thankfully the nights have been warm and no one seemed to have discovered my hideout.

Or so I thought..

I had spent a fitful night tossing and turning...laugh if you may, but I am quite used to sleeping alfresco as I frequently forgot where the spare key was when I would return to my cousin's house from one of my many nights of carousing.

Wben I awoke, I noticed a nearby bundle with a note attached.

Dear hapless vagabond,

I have noticed you out here for several days...I know you must be growing cold and hungry, so please accept my meager gift of a blanket and food..

Sincerely,

Not an employee of the Caledon Sanitorium.

Surely an employee of the sanitorium ....I know they have ways of luring you into a false sense of security and then they pounce! Pah!

Exile ...

2008-07-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

Still in hiding....it seems for ...days now.... in the forest..I've made a lovely shelter of twigs and leaves...it doesn't fall on me too much....on occasion a tiny will throw pebbles at me for sport. How far, Phineas Matova, man about town has fallen....

Since my clothes have long since become tattered. I also fashioned a loincloth out of some of the larger leaves and grass...it usually stays on as well, although I believe I rather frightened some young women, out for a stroll, who responding by dissolving into hysterics.

Perhaps it is time for me to turn myself in....I cannot stay out here much longer....the pubs generally do not allow gentlemen in grass skirts, charming as I am...there was an offer of a bed at the Sanitorium....

The fugitive..

2008-06-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

I apologize if my last post seemed a bit incoherent....it was due to a combination of shock and smoke inhalation....

It is day three of my forced...forced exile from Regency. *sobs* Why will no one believe that I did not set fire to the house? It was the unicorn, I tell you!! Did no one see that maniacal glint in Eleanor's the unicorn's eye??

I sleep during the day and forage for crumbs of food and a stiff shot of whiskey in the evenings. I bathe in forest streams...*is startled by a tiny and hides behind a tree*

What was I saying? ...

j'accuse la licorne...

2008-06-28T11:40:00.001-07:00

Again I find myself accused of pyromania....by my own family... (hic) Violet is claiming that I set fire to her house in Regency.....Admittedly she's not the first family member to do so. I'm currently hiding out behind an unamed pub in an undisclosed location in an unknown sim. It's got trees and houses and such. (hic)

*tosses empty bottle away* I was previously turned out on my ear after a wing at my Aunt's house burned to the ground, but that was ..oh that was my sister's fault. One of em anyway. From day to day it seems I have anywhere from one to two to seventeen sisters....(hic) They keep moving around...(hic) Not unlike that tree...(hic) Oooo...swirlies...

*passes out*

*Coughs and sputters*

Wha-where was I? Ohhh C-chemical experiments and such. Not a suitable occupation for a young lady, I keep saying, but my opinions seem to be falling on deeeaaf earsssss. (hic) I diggresss... I....Phhineasssss Matov-Ma-*mumbles* didddn'tt burrrn my cousssinnnssss houseeees down....yer a niiccee ladeeee....nooooo...doon'ntt runnnn awaayyy.... Mmmmyyyy unnnnicorn es the (hic) pyromaniac, not meeeeee.

*takes another drink and passes out again, snoring loudly*

The Pub Crawl of The Century!!!

2008-05-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Join me, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, as I take you on a tour of my favorite watering holes, pubs, beer gardens, taverns, distilleries and private homes with well stocked bars.

I'm joking about the private homes. Tee hee. Or am I?

Details to follow as soon as I can remember them. (hic)

Mon retour triomphant

2008-05-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

Safely returned from my Italian sojurn with Aunty Juniper, I serenade Miss Paris.

She was just about ready to swoon, due to my admittedly delightful singing and piano playing, when Aunty came to hunt me down for supper, at which time, Miss Paris muttered something about her house being on fire. 'Till next time, Dame Lapin. Le sigh...

2008-04-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

When last we left, Phineas Matova, Man About Town had found himself the unwitting escort of his dowager Aunt Juniper on a long and dreary trip through the Mediterranean. Of course, I was able to spend time at the Grecian seaside and enjoy the fruits of several Italian vineyards, but it was still all rather...dismal.

I spent most of my evenings, not down at the local drinking establishments, as I would have wished, but in the audience, dozing off during my Aunt's inumberable seances and table tippings. (My Aunt is a spiritualist medium)

I must say this trip has left me rather well rested, if anything. If I was not being put to sleep by knocks from the beyond, I was falling into my soup during long, tedious suppers with her and her gaggle of hens from the local spiritualist groups. If I never have to hear of spirits and ectoplasm again, it shall be too soon

Help!!

2008-04-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

To whomever out there who may be reading this...please help...I have been kidnapped by my Aunt Juniper and forced to escort on her on her travels...*sniff*

Let me backtrack slightly, you may recall that my aunt had arrived for a visit lo these many moons ago...I made a feeble attempt at escape...whilst Violet was greeting the old battleaxe and had requested I sally forth to fetch a cab, I made a dash for freedom.

I spent an afternoon and evening hiding in one of the local pubs, then a remaining night hiding in a shrubbery, until I was rousted by a very angry gentleman and his even more angry wife. Well, I certainly know when I'm not welcome. The sun was gently creeping into the sky, the cocks were crowing...and I was growing peckish and by the scent of things....badly needed a scrub.

I sighed and looked around me. The nearest hotel was miles away and I was growing rather low on funds. My cousin's home was only a few minutes walk away and perhaps no one would be awake at this ungodly hour. I tiptoed in as quietly as I could..no one was about. Exhaling softly, I began to set about making tea...when I began to feel that I was not alone. As if two beady eyes were boring into my very soul.

I swallowed. "Hello?"

"Harumph. Running off and leaving an old woman at the train station. Ass."

I fear I would be remiss in not saying that I broke out in an icy sweat. As she circled me like a wolf circling something it wanted to eat for dinner...she fixed me with her eagle like stare...and wrinkled her nose.

"You smell like a distillery..pfft..." I shivered as she placed a shriveled, bony claw on my arm.

"What? no kisses for your auntie??!" she cackled huskily...sending even more shivers down my spine and making me feel quite faint. I staggered over to a nearby chair and sat weakly in it. Aunt Juniper shuffled over to the stove and began banging about..."hmmpf...you need lots of strong coffee...you look like you've been dragged behind a carriage..." this seemed to cause her some sort of fit that I deduced was laughter.

To be continued...

2008-03-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

I blinked furiously as the sun seemed to be searing into my retinas and hurriedly shuffled off after Violet as she began heading towards the train station, feeling as if I were marching off to meet, well perhaps not the firing squad but perhaps to an appointment with a large burly man wielding a cat o'nine tails. Although it is not my cup of tea, there would be some folk who would pay for that sort of appointment, as I, Phineas Matova, Man About Town, have discovered in my wanderings....I digress.

A chill wind seemed to blow from the northeast as I staggered after my cousin, clutching my coat around me and shivering. Thinking that I could perhaps stall our progress to the train station, I racked my brain for a quick diversion that would seem believable. The only thing that I could come up with on the spot was feigning a fainting spell.

"V-Violet..I don't feel so well" I took a few halting steps backwards ( I am a trained mime) and clutching at my forehead, fell to my knees (being careful also to not muss my trousers or hair)
and let out a heartwrenching (I thought at least) moan.

My cousin turned and looked at me, with the sort of look one would reserve for say an unpleasant bug, rather than a cousin in grave distress. She sighed a bit and said

"Phineas, quit arsing about. You're making us late for Auntie Junipers train and believe me, I do not want to hear her complain for the next fortnight about how we abandoned an old woman"

"Alright, fine. But I might have been fainting!"

"Come along Phineas!"

I stood up, carefully brushing my trousers off and trudged off after her.

to be continued

A very trying morning...

2008-03-02T16:52:00.001-08:00

So, this morning as I was getting my beauty rest, I was awakened, rather roughly I might say, by my cousin Violet. I blinked and shivered as the wet rivulets of Arctic water trickled off my nose like a tiny waterfall and sputtered "Was that absolutely necessary?".

Violet rolled her eyes heavenward and uttered in a voice tinged with impending hysteria; "Yes, Phineas, it was. Please get dressed. We need to go fetch Auntie Juniper from the train station."

A chill ran down my spine that made the water pooling in my bed seem blessedly tropical by comparison. Violet gazed off into space fixedly for a moment, so fixedly in fact, that I had begun to believe that she was having a fit and whilst attempting to force open her jaws in an attempt to keep her from swallowing her tongue, she appeared to become increasingly agitated

"That's alright, Violet, just let it pass.." I said in my most soothing voice as she jerked away from me and said "What the devil?" Normally, I would have received a swift kick in the shins for my trouble, but she merely shook her head mournfully, uttering "just get dressed..her train is arriving this afternoon and she's expecting us to be waiting for her" and leaving me to attend to my toilette.

Having dressed and shaved and feeling somewhat more human and less like some nocturnal creature that makes it's home in the woods, I made my way groggily down to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of tea. I pondered the arrival of Aunt Juniper and what that would mean to my current existence.

Would I still be the same Phineas Matova, man about town? Would there be the long nights of carousing or would I be forced to stay home in the evenings, rubbing aunt bunions, threading needles and listening to stories about her rheumatic cat? I shuddered involuntarily. Granted, she was not Aunt Maria, the most feared of all the aunts, but still, it was not good news.

(hic)

to be continued..

A confession....

2008-02-24T13:13:00.000-08:00

I, Phineas Matova, Man about Town, have an rather unpleasant confession to make. No, not that incident. Nor that incident. I told you, the thing with the dirigibles was the unicorn's fault.

*sighs heavily* Now, I've lost my train of thought...

*several minutes pass*

What? Oh yes, I had a rather earth shattering confession to make. Something terrible is going to happen and I fear I had rather a hand in it, you see. Of course, my intentions were good...how was I to know that they were going to explode in my face rather horridly?

It all began with that first letter, several months ago...after being rather unceremoniously dumped by our guardian, Aunt Maria...on the doorstep of my cousin Violet after that other incident....no, really that was my younger siblings fault..these terrible letters began to arrive from another aunt.

Oh yes, we have several. About seven, possibly eight, if you count that one living in a country that I cannot remember at this time. I do believe it is hot and dusty, which narrows the field down a bit. This was not that aunt. This was my maiden aunt Juniper, not the battle-axe that Maria is, but certainly not my fun-loving, gin soaked aunt Elspeth. (who am I told I rather resemble. *beams*)

These were horrid letters, addressed to my cousin, advising her that she had heard reports of my "scandalous behavior" as she described it and casting all sorts of aspersions on my character and making implications that my cousin was not doing her best to 'control me".

Firstly, I am Phineas Matova, Man about Town. While I do have a healthy enjoyment of life's pleasures, I do not believe that I am "a menace to society" And I am fifteen months older than my cousin, and therefore should be her guardian, not the other way around. Of course she merely laughs at me when I try to bring this up. I try to point out her sleepwalking and the many times she has taken a spill into the water, but this only seems to make her laugh harder. Pfft.

*swigs directly from absinthe bottle instead of pouring it into a glass*

2008-02-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

*sighs heavily*

Valentines day (hic) is upon us and I have yet to find a wealthy young lady with castle to court...*takes drink and falls over backwards*

Several minutes later...

So it'll just be me and the unicorn....(hic) I love me unicorn....*passes out*

Conflagrations

2008-02-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

It-it wasn't me! (hic) *points at unicorn who is busy destroying a nearby rose bush*

I had no idea dirigibles could be so fiery...I mean ...erm...the unicorn didn't ....*runs away*

Random musings

2008-02-01T10:22:00.001-08:00

Nothing like enjoying a fine cigar with a few bottles of Merlot whilst sitting amongst parked dirigibles...

2007-12-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

My unicorn and I wish you a very happy New Year. (hic) Hopefully the coming year will see me being finally being supported by a wealthy young lady....I-I mean erm...married. Yes, that's it. *coughs*

Eight Random Facts (hic) about me

2007-12-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

Since I was tagged by her Grace Kintyre, I must oblige.... (hic)

1. My parents, Arthur and Margaret Matova, went out for a post dinner stroll several years ago and are currently missing and presumed dead *sniff* So for all intents and purposes...I am an orphan..*sob* I suppose my sisters are as well...I think I have sisters anyway....(hic)

2. I have a pet unicorn named Eleanor, who has an unfortunate fondness for rose bushes. My memories of aquiring her are rather murky.... I think a man with a parrot was involved...

3. I am a trained mime. Shocking, I know. (hic) I studied with a rather irascible gentleman in Paris named Jacque. Jacque had a wooden leg, a collection of scarves and lived in an attic room with four cats. (this was also the time I discovered the magical green elixir known as absinthe...)
Jaque would frequently say: "des Phineas vous êtes probablement l'homme le plus stupide que j'ai jamais rencontré" and hit me with the wooden leg, which I took to be his highest praise.

He eventually encouraged me, quite literally, to spread my wings and fly, by shoving me out of the garrett window. I waved and shouted that I would never forget him as I limped painfully towards the train. I've heard that he got a fifth cat.

4 I have also had some training as a surgeon and have even performed a successful appendectomy in past. I think....anyway. We'd both had a bottle of whiskey each...my memory of it is quite blurry. Oddly... I remember waking up in gaol the next morning. The charges were dropped when they found my patient wandering naked in a field. (hic)

5. I once worked as a piano player in an establishment on the Barbary coast...even though I don't know a lick of music. I don't believe anyone noticed. (hic) I would just keep hitting a random succession of keys. The only skill set needed was being able to duck flying bottles and chairs due to the patrons penchant for fisticuffs.

I lost that job, when the barkeep, who was also a raving pyromaniac, set fire to the building. After that, I was hired to accompany a troupe of Isadora Duncan -style dancers, but was sacked when I was filled with the spirit of the muse and attempted to join them onstage...even though I got a standing ovation as I was carried out by the local constable. Those ladies wouldn't know grace and movement if it bit them in the ---I digress (hic)

6. I am quite the dancer (see above)

7. I know I have the image of being the man about town, but there is the rare occasion, where even I, Phineas Matova, Man about Town, enjoy sitting by a nice fire, reading poetry. Admittedly these are the times when I can't go to the pub as my cousin has hidden her purse too well. I'd not recommend her to anyone hiring people to hide easter eggs as you'll have a load of crying children on your hands. I would, however, recommend her to anyone attempting to hide from the police or police looking for someone in hiding.

8. Yes ladies, I am single!! (hic)

2007-11-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

My dear cousin Violet is entirely too soft hearted when it comes to small critters. Where I saw a plump and tasty thanksgiving dinner here, she sees a new family pet. Pfft. (hic)

Look...you can see it hypnotizing her right there. See? Don't look into it's hypnotic turkey eyes Violet! Oh...too late. (hic)

So instead of a nice thanksgiving dinner (hic) I have an empty stomach and a turkey named Ned with an attitude problem. Don't you use your turkey hypnosis on me, Neddie boy.

(hic)

Until next time,

Phineas

2007-11-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

(hic) ooo a bit chilly ....where am I? Thought I wass (hic) in Regenceeey.....ACK! Snowman!

It's looooking at meeeee!

(hic)

I am much afeared of snowmen......spooky things...

until next time,
Phineas

I've been immortalized!

2007-11-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

(hic)

http://illegiblebachelor.blogspot.com/2007/11/latest-pictures-what-i-did-draw.html

Until next time

Phineas

Went on a pub crawl and made some new friends...

2007-11-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is one of my new chums. Not sure what his name is, as he gurgled something unintelligble, so I call him "Bluey". Bluey's a big fella!

And here's Jeremiah. Handy with the icy breath as the champange always stays perfectly chilled!

Until next time. (hic)

Phineas

Spare a Linden? I need unicorn food...

2007-10-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Hullo! Since I have so many deep thoughts rumbling about in my noggin, I thought I'd share them with all of you.

*takes drink and falls over backward*